i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
