I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
