I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
