dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
