I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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