My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
