If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
