Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
