I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
