***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
