she kept yelling 'call me bella'
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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