someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
