Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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