Jerry, you need to find god
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
