you traded sex for a burrito?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
