I think im going to throw up on grandma
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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