He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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