I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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