it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
