I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
