I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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