you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
