my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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