i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
