Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
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My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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