i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
