I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
