I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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