It's like a parade of train wrecks.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
