She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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