I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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