I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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