i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
