i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
