You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
