Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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