i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
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Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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