she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
