I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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