I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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