i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
