Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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