she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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