I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
not ubering you a puppy
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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