if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think i have two assholes
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
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I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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