Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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