I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
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I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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