My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
