hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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