theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
