Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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