things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
