My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
