just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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