she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
